1.   Angry Young Man:  What do you have to say about all the people that Christians have killed in the name of your Jesus all throughout history, huh?

BE:  Well, if you’re looking for revenge, I’m afraid you’re a little too late.

AYM:  What?  What’s that supposed to mean?

BE:  Well, according to certain groups who keep track of such things, more people were martyred in the name of Christ during the 20^th century than in all the previous nineteen centuries put together.  Most of it happened in communist and Islamic nations, but there was also a lot of martyring happening in places like Africa, and among native tribes and in other uncivilized areas.

AYM:  So I guess you’re finally getting what’s coming to you!

BE (sarcastically):  Gee, what a civilized thing to say!  You’re really sounding like an enlightened and peaceful guy now!

AYM:  Well, I also happen to know about your inquisition and your crusades and stuff like that.

BE:  Then you must also know that the Inquisition involved Catholics versus Protestants, and that people outside those two groups (like the Jews) weren’t affected.  And as for the Crusades, Muslims don’t really mind it when we bring those up because they pretty much won them all, so they see them as victories; if they try to use that against the Christians, it’s only because they perceive that as a shameful spot in our history and are trying to exploit that feeling.

AYM:  So then, who are you all going after next, huh?

BE:  Well, nowadays many Christians are active in the pro-life movement, so we’re actually trying to stop the killing that someone else is doing.

AYM:  But Hitler was a Christian.

BE:  That’s funny; a lot of Lutheran pastors back in Germany in his days didn’t think so, so they formed the underground resistance movement to try to stop him.  They didn’t buy his claim to faith back then, and they ought to know.

2.   Beer-bellied Redneck:  Well, ya know, I try to live right, and I hope I’ll make it, much as anybody else.

BE:  Didn’t your preacher tell you that believing is what makes the difference, and not just living right?

BR:  Yeah, I know all that faith stuff, but me and Jesus got our own agreement.

BE (mocking):  Well, ain’t you just special?

BR:  What you mean, boy?

BE:  Well, gee whiz, God just puts out a whole different contract for your benefit, while everybody else that’s living on this planet has to go by the Bible and what it says for us to do.

BR:  No, I just mean that God understands me, and He’ll take all that into account when my time comes.

BE:  Oh, no!  You’d better hope He doesn’t!

BR:  Hey, you ain’t better than me, and you ain’t my judge!

BE:  No, and that’s probably a good thing.  I wouldn’t allow you to be held to a double standard like you think God’s going to.

BR:  It ain’t no double standard; it’s just that God expects me to be who I am, and not who somebody else expects me to be.

BE:  So what do you think God’s expecting of you when it comes to being one of His people so you can get to heaven?

BR:  Well, just like I said, when that time comes, he’ll cut me some slack.

BE:  So the Bible means nothing at all to you then?  You know, the holy Book that He gave us so that we could know His ways and we’re supposed to live by—that doesn’t apply to you like it does to the rest of us, huh?  There’s your double standard, and that’s why you seem to think you’re so dang special and better than the rest of us that God has to bend His rules for good ol’ you!
 

3.   Gay Rights Activist (Part 2):  You’re nothing but a homophobe!

BE:  No, no—homophobe isn’t really the right term to use--if you want to call me names, at least use one that’s accurate.

GRA:  So what do you think’s so inaccurate about it?

BE:  The last part—phobia means fear, but that’s not what it is.

GRA:  Sure it is!  You’re afraid of sleeping with your own kind!

BE:  Oh, really!  You guys are screwed up when it comes to emotions, aren’t you?  You think everything is based on fear?

GRA:  No, just everything you Christian people do is because of some irrational fear of some nasty, wrathful God.

BE:  But you’re trying to tell me what I feel, and you’re calling it fear when that’s not what it is—it’s something different.  You’ve got to learn to tell certain emotions from others.

GRA:  So what else do you think it could be?

BE:  What you’re not getting here is the very real difference between fear (holding out his hands to his sides to indicate two opposite directions) and disgust!
 

4.   Smart-aleck Feminist:  AAHHH-Chooo!

BE:  God bless you!

SF:  Oh, She sure did.

BE (slightly mocking):  She, huh?

SF:  Yeah.  You got a problem with that?

BE:  Well, I will have to admit that the God I acknowledge has some feminine as well as masculine characteristics that complement each other like two sides of the same coin.

SF (with a sarcastic smile):  Oh, really!  Like what?

BE (in a particularly antagonistic mood):  Well, just like any woman, God desires to be worshipped; but just like any man, God deserves to be worshipped.
 

5.   Skeptical Scientist (Part 3):  So I guess you’re one of those people who think the Bible is always right, huh?

BE:  As a matter of fact, I do believe in the inerrancy of the Scriptures as they are given us in the book we call the Bible.

SS:  Even despite all the contradictions in it?

BE:  What contradictions?  Here, (holding out his Bible to SS) show me.

SS:  Hey, no fair!  I can’t just turn right to something.

BE:  Oh, come on, (still holding out his Bible) just try one.

SS (pushing back the Bible): No, no, I don’t read that stuff.

BE:  So how are you so sure …

SS (interrupting): yeah, yeah, all right, I get your point.  But still, how can you just blindly go along with whatever that book says without any evidence, even about God’s very existence?

BE:  I don’t.  I go along with it with my eyes wide open; because I trust that the Author is handling it all.  You need to pay attention to Carl Sagan: he once said that “absence of evidence isn’t necessarily evidence of absence.”

SS:  How can you trust something that’s not even there?  You know perfectly well that a lot of people contributed to that Bible.

BE:  Yes, I’m aware of the human authorship factor much more than you could be.  In fact, it’s the amazing consistency among them all that’s one of the best bits of evidence I have for my faith.

SS:  But how can you possibly believe that it’s accurate—I mean, that the things it talks about are anywhere near the truth, like the miracles and all?

BE:  Well, like I said, I trust the Author; I know Him well enough to consider how He wouldn’t let us pass a book down through history that’s supposed to be our guidebook if it’s not what He wanted us to have.  Besides, if He’s God, why couldn’t He do all that stuff it says in there.

SS:  So you think that every little detail in its history is reliable, no matter what?

BE (sighing):  As I keep saying, God isn’t going to let us have a book that’ll mislead us, so He gave it to us straight.  It just isn’t plausible that any Supreme Being could let that kind of thing slip by.
 

6.   Guru Wannabe (Part 2):  You know perfectly well that a lot of wars have been fought and a lot of people killed in the name of God.

BE:  Do you blame God for that?

GW:  Well, no …

BE:  So is religion the only thing that people have abused in order to get their own way?

GW:  Well, of course not the only thing …

BE:  In fact, don’t most rising dictators claim some sort of altruistic motivation for their power grabs and their narcissistic sense of satisfaction?

GW:  I’m not really sure what you mean by that, but I do know that throughout history a lot of kings and such have said that God was behind their aggressive behavior.

BE:  So is that necessarily God’s fault?

GW:  Well, you would just expect so-called godly people to not behave so violently …

BE (interrupting): … and so those people aren’t really God’s people, are they?

GW:  Well, you never know—they could be.

BE:  So I guess I could beat you up in the name of that tree over there (pointing to the side), and when you came to you’d want to go burn the tree down because I claimed that it told me to—come on now, be objective …

GW:  No, no, don’t be ridiculous.

BE:  What’s ridiculous is believing that someone’s motivation for being evil can be legitimately blamed on whatever they choose to blame it on.  But if you want to test your theory further, go spit on somebody and tell them the devil made you do it; then see if it’s the devil or if it’s you who gets whatever comes next.
 

7.   Party Animal (Part 2):  Religion is so boring!  You guys never have any fun!

BE:  That all depends on what you mean by “fun.”  If you mean by “fun” stuff like irresponsible behavior, catching social diseases, ruining your future, throwing up all morning long, and all sorts of things that would qualify with any psychiatrist as insanity, then ... 

PA (yelling):  Yeah, man, I’m INSANE!  WOOO-HOOOOO!  (Then laughing out loud)

BE (looking at the floor and blushing): … or embarrassing people who are trying to talk some sense into you.

PA:  Aw, come on, man, get with it!

BE:  Look, if you’d get with it you’d realize that you’re writing checks that your body’s going to have to pay someday.  This will all catch up with you eventually, and when that time comes, you’ll think differently.

PA:  Hey, I’m living in today, man; tomorrow will take care of itself—even the Bible says so.